S2E24 – When Encouragement Backfires: Reflecting Feelings and Building Esteem in Sensitive Kids

In this episode, I address a question from Nell in Ireland about using encouragement and esteem-building techniques with a sensitive child who doesn’t respond well in challenging moments. I discuss the importance of ensuring our tone of voice and facial expressions are congruent with the child’s emotional state, especially when they’re frustrated or struggling.

I emphasize the value of reflecting feelings before offering encouragement. This approach validates the child’s emotions and creates a connection, making them more receptive to encouragement. I also touch on the necessity of setting limits when a child reacts inappropriately, such as pushing or hitting.

Finally, I explain why we should persist with encouragement and esteem-building, even when children initially resist. These techniques communicate our belief in their capabilities, contribute to a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, and help shape their self-concept through the “looking glass self” principle. I reassure parents that as a child’s self-esteem increases, so will their frustration tolerance, making them more receptive to encouragement over time.

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​Encouragement Strategies for Sensitive Children: Navigating Challenging Moments

As parents, we often struggle with how to encourage our children, especially when they’re feeling frustrated or defeated. This challenge can be particularly pronounced with sensitive children. Today, we’re addressing a question from Nell in Ireland about using encouragement and esteem-building techniques with her sensitive eldest child who doesn’t respond well in heated moments.

The Importance of Congruence

One of the most crucial aspects of using any parenting skill is ensuring that our tone of voice and facial expression match the child’s emotional state. This congruence is especially important when dealing with a child who’s frustrated or struggling.

When we use encouraging phrases like “You can do it!” or “You’ll figure it out!” with a positive tone, it can feel incongruent to a child who’s feeling defeated or angry. This mismatch can lead to further frustration and resistance from the child.

The Power of Reflecting Feelings First

The key to effective encouragement lies in reflecting the child’s feelings before offering encouragement. Here’s why this approach works:

• It validates the child’s emotions
• It helps the child feel understood
• It allows for congruence in our non-verbal communication

For example, instead of immediately saying, “You can do it!”, try reflecting the feeling first: “Oh, you’re so disappointed it hasn’t worked yet.” This reflection allows your tone and facial expression to match your child’s emotional state.

After reflecting the feeling, you can then transition to encouragement: “But you can figure it out. You know how to solve problems.”

Setting Limits When Necessary

It’s important to note that while we want to be encouraging, we must also set limits on inappropriate behavior. If a child responds to frustration by shouting, pushing, or hitting, it’s crucial to set a limit immediately. However, even in these situations, start by reflecting the feeling:

“You’re really frustrated that you haven’t figured that out yet, but I’m not for pushing.”

The Long-Term Benefits of Encouragement and Esteem Building

Even when children don’t respond well to encouragement initially, it’s important to persist. Here’s why:

• It communicates belief in their capabilities: Even if they don’t believe in themselves yet, your encouragement shows that you do.
• It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy: Continually telling a child they’re capable can help them internalize that belief over time.
• It contributes to the “looking glass self” concept: Our self-concept is formed in part by how others reflect us back to ourselves. Consistent encouragement helps shape a positive self-image.

The Process of Building Self-Esteem

Remember that building self-esteem is a process. As your child’s self-esteem increases, their frustration tolerance will also improve. This means that over time, they’ll become less reactive to encouragement, even in challenging moments.

Many children initially argue or disagree with esteem-building phrases. However, as their self-esteem and frustration tolerance improve, they become more receptive to encouragement, even if they’re still struggling.

When using encouragement and esteem-building techniques, especially with sensitive children, remember these key points:

• Ensure your non-verbal communication is congruent with your child’s emotional state.
• Lead with a reflection of feelings before offering encouragement.
• Set limits on inappropriate behavior, but still start with a feeling reflection.
• Persist with encouragement, even if there’s initial resistance.
• Understand that it’s a process, and receptiveness to encouragement will improve as self-esteem grows.

By following these strategies, you can effectively encourage your sensitive child, helping them build self-esteem and resilience over time.