S4E20 - The Dethroned Oldest: Helping Your Anxious, Rigid Oldest Child Feel Secure (A "Tattling" Follow-up Question)

Episode summary

This week I'm answering a question from Doby, a mom of four boys, as a follow-up to our recent episode on tattling. She wants to know how to handle tattling when her kids are different ages: should consequences be the same or tailored to each child, and should both kids be held responsible when only one tattles? I walk through both approaches, including how to scale a consequence by age and how to use each child's "currency" so it actually lands.

Doby also tells me about her 7-year-old, who is sensitive, rigid, and anxious and who constantly finds fault with his easygoing 4-year-old brother, tattles, and provokes him into breaking rules. We talk about what birth order may be adding to the picture: an oldest child who has been "dethroned" three times, the pressure that falls on oldest kids, and the natural rivalry between same-sex siblings close in age. Then I give her a practical plan for helping him feel more secure, including why encouragement works better than praise and the exact kinds of "you" statements to use that build a stronger sense of self.