S2E21 – Presence: The Art of True Engagement with Your Child

I offer practical tips for improving presence, including maintaining eye contact, using reflective responses, and trying to experience the world through our children’s eyes.

Throughout the episode, I stress that building a strong relationship with our children is paramount. While it’s impossible to be fully engaged at all times, I encourage listeners to aim for at least 15 minutes of undivided attention daily. This intentional focus can significantly impact the parent-child bond and create lasting positive effects.

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The Power of Presence: Engaging Fully with Your Children

As parents, we often find ourselves physically present with our children but mentally elsewhere. In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to fall into the trap of being in the same room as our kids without truly engaging with them. However, this lack of genuine presence can significantly hinder our ability to build the kind of relationship we desire with our children.

In this post, we’ll explore what it means to be truly present, engaged, and attuned to our children, and why these elements are crucial for fostering a strong parent-child bond.

The Importance of Engagement: A Tale of Two Scenarios

A Heartwarming Example

Recently, I had the pleasure of witnessing a beautiful example of parental engagement during a 2.5-hour flight. A father sitting in my row spent the entire journey fully engaged with his young son. They colored together, cuddled, talked, watched shows, and even looked through family photos when the boy expressed missing his mother.

This interaction perfectly embodied the principles of play therapy parenting. The father was present, attuned, and engaged, creating a powerful connection with his child even in the confined space of an airplane.

A Missed Opportunity

Contrast this with another scenario I recently encountered. My office manager sent me a photo from our play area, showing a father and daughter together. While the daughter was actively playing, the father was absorbed in his phone screen. Despite being physically present, he was mentally absent from the interaction.

This situation, unfortunately all too common, illustrates how easy it is to miss opportunities for meaningful engagement with our children.

The Foundations of Presence and Engagement

To ensure we’re truly present and engaged with our children, we need to focus on several key elements:

1. Maintain Eye Contact

Eye contact is a powerful tool for engagement. It’s challenging to be distracted or disengaged when you’re looking directly at your child. This may mean putting away phones, closing laptops, or turning off the TV to give your child your full attention.

2. Use Reflective Responses

Employing reflective responses demonstrates that you’re not just hearing your child, but actively listening. This involves:

• Repeating back what your child has said
• Tracking their behavior by describing what you see them doing
• Reflecting their feelings by acknowledging their emotional state

3. Experience Your Child’s World

Try to see the world through your child’s eyes. What fills them with wonder? What emotions are they experiencing? This level of attunement requires undivided, focused attention.

The 30-Second Burst of Attention

One practical technique for improving engagement is the “30-second burst of attention.” When your child seeks your attention, instead of asking them to wait, give them 30 seconds of your undivided focus. Get down to their level, make eye contact, and listen to what they have to say.

The Relationship is Key

Remember, the parent-child relationship is the foundation for everything else. Without a solid relationship, we risk losing influence, trust, and open communication with our children. Every moment of genuine engagement strengthens this crucial bond.

Realistic Expectations and Purposeful Engagement

It’s important to note that being fully engaged 24/7 is neither realistic nor necessary. The goal is to be purposeful in our engagement. Even 15 minutes of undivided attention each day can have a significant impact on your relationship with your child.

As parents, we have the power to choose how we interact with our children. We can be the parent staring at a phone while our child plays alone, or we can be the parent who spends quality time fully engaged with our child, creating lasting memories and strong bonds.

By focusing on eye contact, using reflective responses, and trying to experience the world through our children’s eyes, we can build the kind of relationships that foster trust, communication, and mutual understanding. Remember, it’s not about being perfect, but about being present when it matters most.