S2E20 – Power, Control, and Potty Problems: Effective Strategies for Toileting Challenges
In this episode, I address a question from Emma in Ireland about her 4-year-old son’s toileting issues. Despite being toilet trained for over a year, he frequently has accidents, especially during changes in routine or when other people are caring for him. I explain that this behavior is likely rooted in power and control issues, as children have control over very few aspects of their lives.
I discuss the concept of “somatic” responses, where emotional issues manifest physically, and how positive emotions can help overcome these challenges. I provide practical advice on using a child’s “currency” – something they value – as motivation for proper toileting behavior. I also emphasize the importance of using choices and limit setting, even with young children, to address these issues effectively.
Throughout the episode, I offer specific strategies for parents to implement, such as setting neutral expectations and offering choices. I stress the importance of remaining calm and neutral in response to both successes and accidents to avoid triggering power struggles. Finally, I share a personal anecdote about my own experience with my son’s accident in a restaurant, reminding listeners that these issues are common and temporary.
Ask Me Questions: Call (813) 812-5525, or email: [email protected]
Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/
My Newsletter Signup: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/newsletter/
My Podcast Partner, Gabb Wireless: https://www.playtherapyparenting.com/gabb/
Tackling Toileting Troubles: A Play Therapy Approach
Understanding the Root of Toileting Issues
As parents, we often find ourselves grappling with various challenges as our children grow. One common issue that many parents face is toileting troubles, even after their child has been potty trained. In this post, we’ll explore a question from Emma in Ireland about her 4-year-old son’s ongoing struggles with bathroom accidents.
Emma’s situation is not uncommon. Her youngest child, who has been toilet trained for over a year, frequently has accidents, especially during changes in routine or when others are caring for him. This scenario is familiar to many parents and even therapists who often see clients struggling with similar issues.
The Power and Control Dynamic
To understand why these issues occur, we need to recognize that children have control over very little in their lives. From a therapeutic standpoint, children really only have control over five things:
- Eating
- Sleeping
- Toileting
- Talking
- Obeying
When a child is power struggling, they often do so through one or more of these areas. In Emma’s son’s case, and in many similar situations, toileting becomes a way for the child to exert control.
Emotional Roots of Toileting Issues
It’s important to rule out any medical or physiological issues first. Once we’ve done that, we can categorize these problems as somatic – a fancy word for how our bodies deal with our emotions. In most cases, when children have accidents or bathroom issues, it’s somatic in nature, meaning there’s an emotional root.
For Emma’s son, it could be that he gets emotionally worked up, and it becomes a power and control issue. The two can work together – a desire for control combined with emotional stress can lead to toileting problems.
Finding Your Child’s “Currency”
To address these issues effectively, it’s crucial to identify what motivates your child. We call this their “currency” – something that matters to them significantly enough to have some sway over their behavior. This could be anything from toys like Hot Wheels or Legos to activities like riding a bike or playing with bubbles.
Emma mentioned that when she used a reward chart or offered a chocolate treat, her son’s behavior improved. This worked because it created positive emotions around using the toilet, which can counteract the negative emotions or anxiety that might be causing the problem.
Implementing Choices and Limits
Contrary to what some might think, even young children can understand and respond to choices and limits. Here’s a step-by-step approach to implementing this strategy:
- Find your child’s currency (what really matters to them).
- Choose a calm moment to set expectations.
- Acknowledge the current situation neutrally.
- Set clear choices and limits.
- Remain neutral in your responses, regardless of the choice made.
Here’s an example of how this might sound:
“Emmett, I know sometimes you go to the toilet when you need to go to the bathroom, and sometimes you don’t. But you’re four, and you are capable of going to the bathroom on the toilet. Starting tomorrow, if you choose to go to the bathroom on the toilet, you choose to build Legos for 20 minutes at night. If you choose not to use the bathroom and go in your pants, you choose not to build Legos that night. Which do you choose?”
The Importance of Neutrality
It’s crucial to remain neutral throughout this process. Avoid showing excessive excitement when they use the toilet or frustration when they have an accident. Any strong emotional response can trigger a power struggle. Keep your tone and reactions calm and matter-of-fact.
Remember: This Too Shall Pass
As parents, it’s easy to get frustrated or worried about these issues. But it’s important to remember that these problems are temporary. Every child goes through ups and downs with toilet training, even after they’ve initially mastered it. New skills take effort, and sometimes children don’t have the bandwidth to work on them when they’re tired, stressed, or dealing with other emotions.
Dealing with toileting issues can be challenging, but with understanding, patience, and the right approach, you can help your child overcome these hurdles. By recognizing the emotional roots of the problem, finding your child’s motivational “currency,” and implementing choices and limits with neutrality, you can guide your child towards consistent toilet use.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Every parent has faced similar challenges, and with time and the right strategies, your child will master this skill. Stay positive, stay neutral, and trust in the process.
