S2E35 – Adulthood Bias: Why Kids Don’t Think Like Adults (And Why That Matters)

In this episode, I introduce the concept of ADULTHOOD BIAS —the tendency for adults to forget what it was like to be a child, who does not possess rational thought or abstract reasoning until about age 12. This bias causes frustration when kids act impulsively, give one-word answers, or behave in ways that don’t make sense from an adult perspective. Children don’t think or reason the way adults do; they react emotionally and live in the moment. When we expect them to process situations like we do, we set ourselves up for unnecessary struggles.

I explain how recognizing adulthood bias can help parents respond differently—validating feelings instead of dismissing them, setting limits when necessary, and improving communication. By shifting our perspective, we can better connect with our kids and support their emotional development. If you’ve ever been confused by your child’s behavior, this episode will help you see it through a new lens.

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Adulthood Bias: The Hidden Parenting Struggle

As parents, we often find ourselves confused and frustrated by our children’s behavior. We ask questions, try to reason with them, and expect them to understand things the way we do—only to be met with blank stares, one-word answers, or impulsive actions that make no sense to us.

If you’ve ever thought:

• “Why does my child act like this?”
• “I ask questions, but I get no response.”
• “They know better, so why do they keep doing this?”

Then what you’re experiencing is something I call adulthood bias. In this blog post, I’ll explain what adulthood bias is, how it impacts our parenting, and how recognizing it can help us better understand and connect with our kids.

What Is Adulthood Bias?

Adulthood bias is the tendency for adults to forget what it was like to be a child. We once thought, felt, and experienced the world just like our children do, but over time, we’ve lost touch with that perspective. Now, as adults, we think rationally, plan ahead, and process situations logically.

Children, however, are not logical, rational, or cognitive beings. They live fully in the moment, driven by their feelings and impulses. Their behavior is not guided by reason but by emotion and experience.

Despite this, adulthood bias leads us to expect children to act and think like small adults—even though they’re developmentally incapable of doing so.

How Adulthood Bias Affects Parenting

Because of adulthood bias, we naturally assume that kids can reflect on their actions, make rational decisions, and control their impulses the way we do. When they don’t, we get frustrated and ask questions like:

• “What were you thinking?”
• “Why would you do that?”
• “You know better.”

The truth is, if our children were actually thinking, they wouldn’t have done those things in the first place. Their actions are emotion-driven, not thought-driven. Asking them to explain or justify what happened is asking them to do something they are not yet capable of.

For example:

• A child gets angry and kicks the wall, leaving a hole in the drywall.
• A toddler throws a toy car across the room.
• A sibling shoves their brother or sister in frustration.

As adults, we instinctively try to make sense of these actions. But from a child’s perspective, there was no thought process—only a feeling that led to an immediate reaction.

Children Don’t Think Before They Act

This is a key point parents need to understand: children act on emotional impulse, not logic.

• I’m angry → I push.
• I’m frustrated → I throw.
• I’m upset → I kick.

No cognitive reasoning, no planning, no weighing the consequences—just a pure emotional response in the moment.

And the reality is, this isn’t just a childhood issue. Many adults still struggle with emotional regulation. There are plenty of grown-ups who react impulsively, say things they regret, or act out of frustration before thinking things through. The difference is that, as adults, we have the ability to override those impulses with logic—something kids are still developing.

Until around age 12 or 13, children simply don’t have the brain development to process situations rationally. Expecting them to do so only sets us up for disappointment, frustration, and unnecessary power struggles.

Kids Aren’t Mini-Adults

A common parenting myth is that children are simply small adults who need to be taught how to behave properly. This idea has been perpetuated by phrases like “You’re not raising children, you’re raising adults”—a quote made famous by Dr. Phil.

But this couldn’t be further from the truth.

• Kids are not adults in training—they are children, with completely different developmental needs.
• Until they reach adolescence, their brains are not wired for adult-like reasoning.
• They process the world through feelings and experiences, not logic and thought.

Expecting kids to act like small adults only leads to frustration, disconnection, and missed opportunities to support their growth.

Recognizing Adulthood Bias in Daily Life

Adulthood bias shows up in many everyday parenting interactions:

When we ask kids “Why?” and they say “I don’t know.”
They aren’t lying or avoiding the question—they truly don’t know why they did what they did. They weren’t thinking, just feeling.

When kids ignore our reasoning.
Lectures and explanations often don’t work because kids don’t process through words, they process through experience.

When we dismiss their emotions as overreactions.
What seems like “not a big deal” to us feels huge to them. Telling them to “calm down” doesn’t teach regulation—it teaches them their feelings don’t matter.

By recognizing these moments, we can shift our parenting approach to meet our children where they are developmentally, rather than expecting them to meet us at an adult level.

How to Overcome Adulthood Bias

Understanding adulthood bias doesn’t mean we stop guiding our children or setting limits. Instead, it means we:

• Validate their emotions instead of dismissing them.
• Instead of saying “That’s nothing to be upset about”, try “I can see that this is really hard for you.”
• Set boundaries in a developmentally appropriate way.
• Use clear and consistent limit-setting, rather than relying on reasoning they aren’t capable of processing.
  Focus on connection over correction.
• Instead of trying to “talk them out of” their behavior, use play, choice, and reflection to help them learn naturally.

When we shift our expectations, we make parenting less frustrating and create stronger relationships with our children.

Final Thoughts

Adulthood bias is one of the biggest barriers to understanding our kids. It leads us to expect rationality where there is none, and when we don’t get it, we become frustrated.

By recognizing this bias and adjusting our approach, we can:

• Reduce power struggles.
• Improve communication.
• Respond with empathy instead of frustration.
• Build a stronger parent-child relationship.

The next time your child’s behavior doesn’t make sense, pause and ask yourself:
Am I expecting them to think like an adult when they aren’t capable of it yet?

That simple shift can change the way we perceive our children’s behavior, which in turn will help us parent more effectively.